Four years ago on Election Day, I took my daughters with me to vote at a fire station in my neighborhood outside of Philly. I instructed them not to touch anything, but to watch and watch closely as I did an historic thing: cast my vote for president for a woman. I'm still proud of that choice + grateful we got to do that together.
This year, I went alone on the first day of early voting. I stood in line, distanced + masked, and then a man walked up, his hat pulled down, sunglasses on, hands deep in his jacket pockets. I had already assessed the layout, looking for an exit. I didn't bring the girls, because I was afraid of the "very fine people" who rally with tiki torches in Charlottesville and ram cars on the freeway in Austin. What if those people decided my vote was too risky to stand.
Of course, I wouldn't be writing this if that man had done what I feared. He was just a dude, passing by the library on a morning walk, wearing glasses because the fall day was dawning bright and crisp. But this is the difference: four years ago, I felt safe enough to bring my children. Four years ago, I looked around at the line I stood in with hope in my eyes, and with no fear. This year, the country I live in is different, or at least the way I see it is different. This administration isn't solely responsible for that shift, but I do believe they/he created a culture in which toxicity thrives.
This man. (I can't say his name anymore.) He's been proven time and again to be a person of no moral fiber, but more than that, he's proven himself to be a person who cares only for the stories that keep him in power, to the exclusion of all else. A mountebank. Always with the misdirection, like a greasy magician in a low-rent casino. I was complacent before, comfortable in my country's leadership, unaware of so much of the darkness that simmered underneath.
I should've known these things long ago, that our country was truly sick with racism + xenophobia long before our viral pandemic, should've made myself more aware. But I'm awake now. I'm awake and afraid for us and angry for my kids. When I cast my vote this year for Biden/Harris, I wasn't operating under an illusion that these things would instantly go away. But I was voting for the person I believe will set us back on the tracks and send us down the road toward healing again. I know we have work to do. I voted for the guy who gives me hope that repair, and even healing, is possible.
Today I am going to make delicious food + wear soft clothes + read books I love. I am going to make a fire in my fireplace + make something beautiful with my hands + go for a long walk. I am going to surround myself with things + people I love, even if it's just virtually. I'm gonna take regular media breaks, and I'm gonna encourage you to do the same.
I'll see you on the other side.